2012 - The Last Word

Didn’t really want to let 2012 get away from me without the last word. Not that the date on the calendar – our Gregorian or any other –really has any meaning other than that which we ascribe to it. Like a birthday, or any red-letter day, it simply marks the progression of linear time, and in this case, a guidepost signifying completion of yet another trip around the sun. What a journey it’s been!

I could write a whole book today with the thoughts in my head that would trump an unabridged copy of War and Peace, but I think in the interest of time, I’ll stick with something more like, Journey to the Center of My Heart. 

What do I mean by “heart”? Surprisingly enough, it matters not what definition you give to it, be it the physical pump or the center of my consciousness…they are equally applicable to the subject of my Journey. My path this past year lead me down parallel realities, involving both a physical trip to hell and back, and a long, winding road into the very nature of ME; a trip of discovery into both the ordinary and non-ordinary realities of my life.

The backdrop of this Journey actually begins a year or so back when my youngest son, who has Duchenne muscular dystrophy, needed spinal fusion surgery, a top-to-bottom affair, a surgery that would reinforce his posture and ultimate comfort level through a brutal yet necessary procedure, that while benefiting him in one way, would severely curtail his ability to feed himself – one of the last bits of independence he possessed. The very idea of it will cause even the strongest of constitutions to tremble and pale, necessitating some serious re-evaluation of priorities. Although surgery was a smashing success, during some quiet space of time in my contemplations, my paradigm began to collapse. Like air out of a balloon, I had to close my business, and watched my economic life spin down the drain and got my walking papers on this game of Monopoly that we call our financial system.  In retrospect, I can say with all sincerity, “Wow…that’s a relief!” It’s hard to let go of many, many things. But I have found – without exception – that I haven’t missed anything. In fact, while my bank accounts hover a fine line between black and red, my life account is full to the brim with interest and derivatives and growing exponentially. I finally arrived at a point of acceptance, when the last bit of rug under my feet gave way.

Vision with optic neuritis on the left

After experiencing the loss of my vision in October, 2011, due to optic neuritis, and being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in December, that was at the top of the roller-coaster. In March my legs became numb, and my strength completely failed me. Functionally blind and completely wheelchair dependent…now there’s a place to start a spiritual journey. And so I did.

When I found myself physically powerless, I craved and sought for a source of power, if only to reassure myself that I was still alive. I discovered the sincere truth in the cliché, “Knowledge is Power”. When I had nothing else, I had my mind. My first line of defense was education. I can confidently say that I believe I know more about MS than at least two neurologists in this area. Do you know how many Ivy League schools and high ranking medical institutions have classes and lectures online for free? If I couldn’t see, I could listen. YouTube is your friend! Knowing all I could know about that which was affecting me physically empowered me to make the best and most appropriate decisions about my life and health, and finally gave me hope for at least a partial recovery, even if it meant new normal.

A happy side effect of this is that the acquisition of knowledge begets the thirst for more knowledge. So with nothing but time and a set of ears, I dove in. I followed every inquisition my mind thought up, down into the human body, from the organs, to the cells, to the atoms, to the electrons, to the quarks, to Plancks Constant, to the dark matter, and as much of the in between as my brain would allow. And I then turned back around and traveled from my body, to the atmosphere, to the moon, to the sun, to the solar system, to the galaxy, to the universe…as far out as our collective knowledge would allow. I entertained every theory I came across, from the sublime to the ridiculous. I wasn’t looking for answers…I was looking for understanding. I wasn’t looking for a bandwagon to board; I wanted enough information to make informed decisions about what I really believe. 

Summarizing even a fraction of what I gained isn’t happening here, but let me hit a high point or two on the graph.

Realization #1: Everything is all part of the same thing. We are, in fact, all connected. Our separateness is simply an illusion of our bodies. We are not separate, from each other, or from our Source. If you look at the smallest visible particles, you will find that they are little microcosms of the entirety of the visible universe. Pretty much everything that’s happening a-way out there is mirrored in what’s happening in every level down to the quantum. Fractals, toroids, geometries…it gives a whole new perspective to the old, “As above, so below.”  Everything is patterns, and if you understand a pattern, you will understand its meaning. Oh, I don’t think we’ve arrived yet…but we’re learning.

Realization #2: Everything is cyclical. From the rotation of the galaxies to the celebrations we share this time of year, to the cycles of birth, life and death found in everything on the planet, to the regeneration of cells. Life is not linear…it is cyclical. There are no endings without subsequent new beginnings. To understand this, is to open doors to still more levels of understanding of my very life and times. To embrace this is to begin to fully LIVE.

Realization #3: Everything is intelligent, for it is part of the fabric we are all made of, which is, in and of itself, Intelligence. And intelligence communicates. To fully appreciate a walk in the woods is to understand that the earth beneath your feet is communicating with you, as well as the trees and their leaves, the rocks, the wind, the rain, and the sun.  It is ALL communicating with you, but we don’t listen. And it doesn’t speak English. It all speaks the language of Intelligence – the language of the heart. You may not know the mechanics of photosynthesis, or even be aware that it is happening – but it is, and the trees are communicating this to you. This is their part. You may not appreciate the earth under your feet, but the rocks are in communication with the tectonic plates and crust of the earth, from which your body and food derive themselves. That’s a communication. I realized how much our culture has ignored this – and how much communication I have missed in being oblivious to that which surrounds me daily. Waking up to this, and beginning to really listen to the world around me, opens still more doors of understanding of both the simplicity and the complexity of life, and the tricky in-betweens. 

Realization #4: The greatest struggle we have as human beings is our duality. For everything that we have conceived of, there are two sides. Good and bad, right and wrong, black and white, north and south, polar opposites. And this makes sense in an electrically polarized universe. It gives us a context in which to function. But it also lends itself to the humans and their beliefs being polarized, and seeing other people as separate and on the opposite side is leading us into killing each other. We are so juiced up with this polarity that we can barely hear an opponent’s opinion without a fully engaged fight-or-flight response, with all the ferocity of a full blown life-threat, evidenced in our last election. 

For all of our pontification about what we, personally think is the “right” thing, way, or belief, there is an equal and opposite faction on the other side of the table, defending what they think is “right”, which to you would be “wrong”. We have become so polarized that our government can’t get over their partisan bias, and we have people who will kill another person for something as ultimately trivial as their religious beliefs.

This is further reflected in the two hemispheres of our brains. Our beauty-loving aesthetic right brain and our analytical, make-sense-of-it-all left brain, both giving us information about what we see and feel every day, influenced by our environment, education, preferences and choices. What we have failed to understand is that both sides of our duality come from the same consciousness. “Ban guns!” “Keep gun ownership protected!” are battle cries that come from the same consciousness. They are the two sides of the same coin. Which begs the question, just what is the coin?

Answer: It’s the neutrality of the HEART. The heart does not see a gun, a senseless crime, or a crushed freedom. It sees the energy of the entire interaction. It does not judge it. It sees only what is – and responds to it in the only language it speaks. Which, as I have discovered, is LOVE. In a humanity that lives from its true heart of love, this, and every other duality that divides us, becomes irrelevant and moot. 

Einstein once said, ”No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” To put a finer point on it, the bipolar government that brought us to the fiscal cliff will not be the government that rescues us from the fall. One picket line will never triumph over the other picket line. One religion will never prove to be superior to another religion, and the consciousness that brought you legalized abortion can be hassled all day and will still not bring about the requested solution of banning abortion. The shovel that dug the hole cannot dig you out of it. I have come to the understanding that we need a different MO.

Realization #5: In assessing my life and its course and direction, I have come to a rather simple conclusion. Not original, but suddenly true at a core level. There are only two choices of response to any situation in life: Fear or Love.

Both fear and love have multitudes of manifestations, but any reaction at all can be traced to one of these two responses. Both polarities in the examples above stem from fear: Fear that we will get shot, fear that we will lose our right to bear arms. Same, same. They both stem from the consciousness of fear – and can therefore never solve the issue satisfactorily. Fear that we will be killing our progeny and fear that we will lose our reproductive freedom are both modeled out of fear. We can see in these obvious examples another of Einstein’s contributions to our thinking,” Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  We will never war our way into peace. Not on an international level, nor on a personal level. 

And so on December 31, 2012, I am contemplating the lessons of my Journey to the Center of My Heart. Right back where I started from, but with a whole lot more understanding of just what the HEART is, and what it’s true function is. Heart is where love resides…the love that will solve all the problems of an insane, fear-driven world, as well as the troubles of a fear-broken heart. In learning to function in love instead of fear, my MS is now a fellow traveler, not my enemy. To hate it, resent it, attack it, and yes, even attempting to cure it...this all stems from fear. Afraid to have it, afraid it will make me it’s victim, afraid it will take my life, afraid it will hurt others…and on and on. Look at that…”good” things and “bad” things all stemming from the same thing! It’s not about the duality of good or bad. It’s simply about what IS. I have MS. Regardless of all that I may fear about it, I HAVE IT. To accept that, is to begin to understand it, and to grow in that understanding totally eradicates any vestiges of fear. It is a part of me, and I am not afraid of me. I love me. I take an appropriate treatment, not because I am afraid of relapse, but because I love life, and my mobility, and what’s left of my eyesight. If at any time my treatments should be discontinued for financial or other reasons, I am not afraid. 

The same could be said about my son's Duchenne diagnosis. I have written myself a credo that I keep with me. Let me share it with you: 

We are not victims of this disease. 

We are participants in the process of it. 

Unwilling I entered, however, to remain unwilling is to push away the great rewards of full, conscious, and willing participation. 

To embrace the process and LIVE it fully, taking joy in it by "extracting the precious from the worthless", slowly, my understanding opens up to the high calling of my son and I. 

And understanding makes all the difference. 
When I embrace the process 
I am not watching him die - 
I am watching him LIVE. 
In living and caring for my son, 
We participate in a LOVE that few would choose, but those who accept and embrace it - for all it's joy and sorrow - are rewarded with the fullness of LOVE beyond the ordinary.

In this context - my context - I am most blessed. 

Can you see the difference? I hope so – it’s a hard concept to convey, but I cannot begin to tell you how these ( and thousands of other) realizations have altered my world for the better, and I can wish no greater thing for anyone than the understanding and illumination that has marked this year for me, and the power of this in just one life. What would happen in the lives of many?

2013 promises to be a very bumpy ride. But we are living in a cyclical universe. Beginnings and endings really only exist in a linear timeline, and we are cyclical. It’s up to us to make the transition from a world torn asunder by fear into a world that can live together in love. And it can only begin in the small space in my heart…and yours…and yours…until together it would be OURS

May this be the year where we all awaken to our potential, begin to live from our hearts in love, and not in fear; the year we begin to implement the wisdom of the ancients, and "Be Not Afraid".