Reflections of 2010

Reflections of 2010

January 1, 2011. Just a date on the calendar. Just like December 25, or July 4^th, or the third Thursday in November. For all the caregivers and farmers and law enforcement folks it looks pretty much like any other day on the calendar, but there too, everyone seems to take it just a little easier on those days. And it’s a good thing. In our society that is racing so fast, we don’t have enough things to mark time by. We have no coming of age rituals anymore. A few, perhaps, scattered here and there by certain religious organizations, but nothing that makes us stop, reflect, and put a date on the calendar that says, “Today is a new day. New things have begun. Old things are behind us. From this day forward, things will be different.”

Think about that for a moment. In more primitive societies, the first successful hunt brings a boy into manhood. The onset of menses made a girl into a woman. From that day forward, the participant in these ceremonial passages was expected to live differently. And by and large, the kids would live up to those expectations. It was a status change – a coming of age – a stepping up to life’s plate – a realization that “playtime” was over, and now the responsibilities of life were theirs. Today it seems all we have left of that are the birthday celebrations at 18 and 21, which enable a kid to make a few of their own decisions, legally vote and the ability to drink. But the lines are fuzzy, and for the most part, nothing changes. We are so busy going nowhere, really, that we don’t take the time to honor some of life’s bigger achievements to the point where they take on life-changing significance.

Oh, we’ve clung to a few of these important rituals. We still celebrate marriage as the day that two people start the journey of life together – officially. They may have been betrothed, or “dating” for years, but we pick one day which we can write in red letters which becomes an anniversary of this occasion. But this, too,  is becoming less and less of a moment, with people all but betting on how long the commitment will hold out. It’s still something you can back out of – sort of. I’ve said it before – in our current society, it is bemoaned by some that it’s too easy to get divorced; but I maintain with all the passion I possess that it’s too easy to get married!! Divorce is very, very difficult. It’s hard, and painful, and tearful, and gut-wrenching. Marriage on the other hand is fun, and joyful, and accompanied by feasting and gifts! With a wedding, we get an anniversary to celebrate! With a divorce, most of us in that camp can’t even tell you the date it was official. It was just a cold, lonely, depressing stand in front of a judge who bangs the gavel and says, “Next case”.

And no wonder more people choose marriage than divorce – it’s just that they make a commitment in the context of a society in which commitments of all kinds are totally retractable; why not marriage? We commit to all kinds of stuff with the best of intentions, and when we decide that something no longer suits us, we un-commit. We back out. We drop out. We run away. We walk away. We quit. And I am of the persuasion that the primary reason we do this is because we had no idea what we were getting into when we made our commitment to whatever it is we are talking about: A job, a marriage, an education, rehab, children, a club…we just don’t really know what we are getting into.

Now, please don’t think that this is a sermon or some pontification about the evils of our society, or the sanctity of marriage or some judgmental piece on how everything SHOULD be, as if I – (or anyone else for that matter) – actually know! The fact is, we don’t – and that is pretty much my point, and why I think we really NEED days of reflection and contemplation; days on the calendar where a whole big hunk of society stops working, sits down, eats good food, drinks good beverages, and reflects on what it means to be alive. To spend time regarding the things and the people and the experiences that brought us to where we are – and where we are potentially going. And I use the word “potentially”, because that is all any of our plans are – potential energy - that may or may not get us to the desired result. In fact, in reflecting on my own life and the lives of those closest to me, our plans were only a skeleton of a concept.

I married young, with vague plans of happily-ever-after and rock-and-roll. Nowhere in my wildest imagination was there room for nine kids and a divorce. If you would have told me then that in 30 years the only singing I would be doing was in the shower I would have vehemently denied the possibility. A life that started out in strict, well defined areas of black and white has slowly  made the transition to a million shades of gray that have ultimately made my life rich and filled with gradients and depth. And with the acceptance of more than the rigidity of black and white, I have had the added benefit of color! (Welcome to Pleasantville!) The willingness to change my point of reference, and accept that on the see-saw of life, the fulcrum keeps changing, and take whatever steps are required to try and maintain the balance, has lead me to this day of mental celebration – for all the joy and all the pain and all the experiences in life that have lead me here.

There have been many missteps – but no mistakes. My plans have been dashed more than once by my own hand, but I see no failures. I have been bound up in locks and chains of my own design, but I realize that I have the key and a hack saw on standby in case I lose it. It’s all in how I choose to view it. It’s all about choices – and if we have nothing else, we ALWAYS have a choice.

This did not always seem to be the case with me. In fact, early on I would often lament the fact that I did not seem to have a choice in a matter! Who wanted to miscarry a child? What choice did I have? Who chose to have a child with a horrific birth defect, or a child with a terminal illness straight out of the womb? Who chooses years of clinical depression? Who chooses to lose a job and the financial hardship that comes with it? Who chooses for their business to collapse?

But about 12 years ago, I found the keys to my life. I hopped in the drivers seat, started the engine, and with the power of choice, started off on a grand journey, that has not been unlike the game of Monopoly that I enjoyed this New Years Eve. Yep – we played to the very end! (Have you noticed, most of the time people quit without finishing that game?)

Many lessons can be learned from Monopoly, but yesterday’s lesson to me was that you just never know. Ahead of the game might not be as far ahead as you think. One random roll and you’re bankrupt. Pennies left to your name, one random chance, and you end up wealthy. So bringing it around, where does that leave CHOICE? In the matters of life in which we seemingly have no voice, how is it that we have a choice?

Our choice comes not so much from our voice  as from our vision: It’s how we CHOOSE to see things. And no, this is not some sort of mysterious thing, here. It can be hard to do, but the whole point of it is that it’s all we CAN do. It’s not that it’s easy, but it is simple. And at our most vulnerable points as humans, it becomes our greatest strength. The ability to see beyond the fire, pit, rut, darkness or cage you may feel yourself in at the time. It doesn’t mean that we can’t feel the pain, or that we can even stop the pain. What it means is that we turn our focus to the end result of the pain – and that is healing, and the good that will come out of any tragedy.

It’s the same thing that got women through childbirth without epidurals - the promise that the pain would bring a child. It’s the same thing that keeps you in the tattooist’s chair – the work of art that your skin is becoming. This is LIFE!!  Oh, I still felt every contraction, and every push, but my focus was on the fact of my baby. I still wince when I hear the buzz of the tattoo gun, but my skin art means so much to me – I go into my mind to the finished piece, and relax as best I can knowing this, too, shall pass.

And there are times in life when we have absolutely no clue. Random events. Random people. Random circumstances. Big things like a senseless criminal tragedy and death, to little things like a wallet you find in the parking lot. We don’t plan these. They just happen. Is there any reason for it all? 

This is where you find the ultimate ecumenical statement of faith:  “Everything happens for a reason.”

I’ve spent this day pondering my life, and thinking about why we all seem to agree with that statement, even if we bitterly question the “reason” part.  What reason could there possibly be for a shortened life or tragic death? However, I  put the statement on trial in my life, and I have to agree that the evidence stands firmly in the favor of “Everything happens for a reason” being a true statement. I look at the pieces of my life from early on, and see how a love for writing was there at an early age when my grandmother gave me an old typewriter. How medical became my field of interest simply because as a 16-year-old I refused to work in a restaurant and took the first job that would hire me. How my skills as a CNA would serve me after 30 years in caring for my own son. How having your kids crash and burn in your arms can rip your heart out  - but replace it with a much softer version, and take away all those stark lines between black and white – smudging your world with soft, subtle grays.

But here is where I find my faith. Every day, it seems, I get some new epiphany about why something in my past has deep and significant relevance to my today. If I had not done “X”, then I would not be experiencing “Y”. It’s not thunder and lightening. It’s in the smallest things at times. A commercial on TV. A song on the radio. A sign on a building. A déjà vu. A smell. A memory. A word. A touch. A noise.  And since this is the case, does it not stand to reason that although I do now know why something may be happening at this time, that I will, at some future point, understand? Yes…in this I can believe, and have faith.

Can’t explain shit to you today. But I can say that one day I will be able to, and it won’t be shit – it will be a flower. THAT, my friends, is my belief, my faith, and my religion, and the very reason that I am standing on the edge of 2010, happy to be who I am, and living the life I am. That’s how I see it. And it is my choice to see things this way.

I looked last night at the newborn year, and small and crinkly; just a small version of what it will grow to be. Just 1/1/11. We’ve got 365 more days added to our collection, and 2011 promises 365 more. If we should be here that long. No guarantees. Not for anyone. But since I’m still sitting here typing, I guess I’ve still got today, huh? And I’ll start planning for tomorrow, and wonder each day as I roll the dice where I’ll land on my trip around the board. I will try to remind myself daily that no matter what happens, someday I’ll totally get it, even if it’s not today. I’ll try and concern myself with today’s dividends coming together in light of yesterday’s investments. 

This time of reflection and contemplation was brought to you courtesy of a great world tradition – the celebration of what will be for those who choose it, a Very Happy New Year!