Expectation, Disappointment and Responsibility

Every day, I see and read so many posts from people who are hurting, in one way or another. Whether it’s over a personal tragedy, natural disaster, or personal insult, we all end up in the soup at one time or another. Of course I am no exception, but I’ve found a pretty effective way of keeping my life more stress free with the following line of thinking. 

When I am disappointed, or upset or frustrated with anything that runs into or over my day, I need to stop and take inventory. Recognizing the whole adrenal system going off, I ask myself, what’s wrong? I identify the problem –whether it’s a physical situation, like the garbage needing to be taken out, or the fact that I can no longer see  something like a sliver under my skin to remove it, or the hurtful words of an angst-filled child…I try to call it by name. 

Once I’ve done that, I ask myself, what was my expectation? Perhaps I expected one of the other members of the household to take out the garbage. I expect that my eyes will focus, and work for me as long as I own this body.  I expect more respect from this child. When these expectations were not met, I am immediately frustrated. These expectations were not met, and I am now thoroughly disappointed. 

I now recognize that I have a choice in this matter – that I can write the ending to this, or any, scenario that has me tied up in angry knots. My first inclination is to blame. That darn kid! I told him to take out the garbage! Stupid MS! Why did I have to get it? That ungrateful child! After all I did for them! And no matter what the situation, I tend to do this. We curse the rain, the sun, our friend, our enemy, our boss, our food, our air, our government, our God…anyone but our self. And this stands to reason, given our cultural and religious upbringings. We are trained to accept a victim mentality. When we are the victims of crime and circumstances, we feel victimized, put upon, and assaulted on one level or another, and someone must pay for this infraction. An eye for an eye. I will now chastise said child with grounding or privilege removal, post some sad status about my poor health condition and beg for money to help fix it, and disown the vexed teenager until they apologize for all the shit they said to me. Yeah. Like this solves anything. Now I am a punitive parent, a pathetic patient, and a resentful mother. Sounds like a hot-bed for spiritual growth and world peace, doesn’t it? 

Choice number two: Accept responsibility. Yup. All of it. Wow…did you feel your defenses just jump to the challenge? How the hell am I supposed to take responsibility for the kid not taking out the garbage like I asked? What? I expected them to listen, didn’t I? They didn’t. Regardless of their reason for not doing it, they did not, and that disappointed my expectations of the situation. We do not have control over the choices and decisions of our children, no matter how much we may try to legislate and control them. This leaves us powerless, and blustering in the breeze about punishment and grounding and taking away their phone. It’s all we can do to be punitive, for it gives me the illusion of control. Why not change my focus to ME – and what I can do about it, so that I won’t be disappointed in the outcome? I can act accordingly. If it was important to take out the garbage, I can do it myself. If it can wait, save it for the child to take out next time they enter the room. Or I could bring the sodden bag up to their bedroom and politely ask them to take it outside, please. My point will be made – I will have taken control of the situation by lowering my expectations a bit. It doesn’t make me wrong…it’s just, now I know something. 

But what about a disease process in the body? How the hell am I supposed to take responsibility for that? I didn’t ask for it and certainly don’t want it. How am I to blame for this? Ah! Watch the words…this is NOT about blame. This is about responsibility. Break it down – response + ability. My ability to respond. We most often choose to blame – and that can be some third party abstract, or a chemical company, or bad water, or…or…or… But the truth is, I won’t ever know why I got it. But asking “Why me” is a statement of a victim, whereas asking “Why not me?” is the question of a person who is willing to accept responsibility. It’s not about having the disease, it’s about how I deal with the disease. It’s about my expectation of the human experience. We think we are not supposed to get diseases. For a million and one reasons, however, we do, and we know we do. We just don’t expect to. So when they show up, unannounced and unwelcome and disappoint  my expectations, maybe I need to look at what my expectation was, and more importantly, why I held it. I can’t change the fact of the disease, but I can change my expectations about not only having it, but what my response to it will be. This is, after all, MY life! How do I want to live it? As a victim of it? Or the owner/operator of it?  If I view my life and the body that houses it as simply the machine for my being, it becomes like unto a car – my vehicle. Oops. Malfunction. What cause it? Don’t know. What will it take to get it in running order for me to at least gimp along on my trip? Follow that lead. If I find that I can’t go more than 10 miles per hour, I can either curse the mechanism, blame the mechanic and manufacturer for producing a lemon, or I can sit up and pay attention to all that I would not normally see if I were jetting along at 65. Not a victim – the pleasantly surprised owner. My expectations have been changed – and I find myself no longer so disappointed. 

And what of the verbal assault on my person? The unjust comments and verbal violence that people spew in their victimization? The physical abuse of another toward ourselves? These are responsible for more human misery than we may want to admit. We perpetuate unforgiveness, and revenge, and a resentful heart toward any or all who have wronged us. Clearly, they were wrong in hurting us in any way. It is an outrage to suggest that I need to take responsibility for the wrongs done to me, the hurt that it has caused me, the damage that has been done. Once again…what was my expectation? And why? And what can I do about the fact that my expectations were not met? I can take responsibility – take control of the situation, and see it for what it is: A THEM thing. THEY have a problem with something, and are taking it out on ME. I have a responsibility to respond in a way that is in keeping with who I am. Am I angry, unforgiving and resentful? Or am I, at the height of my self, happy, forgiving and loving? Am I in control of me? Or will I allow my offender to be in control of me? This is my responsibility. 

I have found that in a world where ones expectations have been lowered, they will be pleasantly surprised at how often life begins to exceed your expectations.